I thought that eventually my lifestyle would shift and stay over to the more humble side of things. It would seem as I get older that I am getting more aggressive or what the new word…oh yeah ASSERTIVE! I guess all those years of being walked on by bosses, co-workers, classmates, lovers and so-called friends has caused my mental stability to unravel. The question I now ask is “what does he or she really want?” It seems that everyone is a fan of themselves and only seek what is in the best interest for them. Win-Win only works when they are on both sides and that is what has caused me to be paranoid when people want to help me. I have only found a handful of folks who really care what the other person is feeling and that is disheartening. Sometimes I wonder how I threw away so many relationships in my life. Had the perfect relationship with my Moms but the one time I needed her to listen and give me real guidance she left it up to me and I crumbled. So I stopped letting people help me because when it is really needed they don’t show up. Unless they have something to gain from it, they don’t care about anything outside of their bubble of influence. I have let people know secrets and vulnerabilities about me but in the end they used it against me to get what they wanted. The word “Friend” is something that is used carelessly and normally only means someone I associate with on a more frequent basis than most. I once stood on the other side of the line trying to always be a friend to all but now I am on the tightrope and depending on how you approach me depends on which side of the line I fall on. The slogan “Life is Life” was born out of this because so many people had taken advantage of my kindness and because it WAS weakness... I am a chameleon. I don’t do the appropriate thing anymore. I do things randomly so as not to give away a pattern. And no longer is the humble decision automatic even if it is the correct one. My goal is to ALWAYS surprise. Will you get the quiet one with polite attitude or the rowdy one who stares you down? Watch out now…
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